If you weren’t already panicked about your Monday, start panicking now. As it turns out, the Great Apocalypse will be upon us sooner than we expected because apparently there is a global chocolate shortage happening. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS NOT A SICK, TASTELESS JOKE. THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY RUNNING LOW ON THE FUEL THAT FEEDS OUR PASSIONATE FLAMES. According to a report published last week in Bloomberg, the amount of chocolate we consume cannot keep up with the amount of chocolate we produce, and by January 1st, 2020 we will be consuming 2 million metric tons more chocolate than we can put back in the world.
Today’s Tweetable – Tweet: WARNING: Global Chocolate Shortage Is Happening @OlesyaNovik
But why, cruel world, is this happening? Besides global warming, nuclear warfare, and Bill O’Reilly, what did humans do to deserve this? The biggest cause of the shortage is disease and drought affecting the cacao plants, and the fact that more lucrative crops like corn and rubber are taking its place. With temperatures raising all over the world, it’s much harder to grow crops due to water shortage, but the most pressing matter for the crop is fungal disease. Witches’ broom and Frosty pod, two fungal diseases that are capable of wiping out thousands of pounds of the plant, usually wreak havoc in places that are (or used to be) the biggest exporter of cacao, like Brazil and Costa Rica; in fact, Witches’ broom caused Brazil to go from being the world’s second largest cacao exporter to a no-name on the map of chocolate.
In case you forgot why chocolate is the most wonderful thing in the world, I’d like to gently remind you that not only does all chocolate taste like it was hand-picked by the gods from a tree of pure joy, it also has some amazing health benefits. Among other things, chocolate promotes heart health, reduces stress, and can better preserve your memory. It’s also an aphrodisiac — like, how can this not turn you on just a little bit:
While I’m sure we will confront this problem as a globe in a serious way sometime soon, all I can say for now is get off your computer and STOCK UP.